I am very sorry, but this journal is going friends only for a short period of time. Please do not ask to be added to my friends list unless I know you in real life. If you add me to your friends list, I will see you listed on my info page and pop over and read your entries from time to time.

There is a very specific reason this journal has gone temporarily friends only, and when that reason no longer applies it will return to it's previous open status.

The necessity of this decision saddens me, as it makes the following post seem hypocritical, so I will explain more fully:

I am currently going through a divorce and custody battle. I am willing to accept many many consequences for being open about my sexuality and psychology, but losing my children is not one of them. So I am all secrets now. I hate it. It kills me. As soon as this is all over I will go right back to the way I was, because this entire experience is just proving to me once again how psychologically damaging the need for secrecy is. You readers can't see it, but my current experiences are more than proving the point I make below :(

( OPEN SOURCE LIFE )

Tags: geek, life, open source, philosophy
Current Location: Westminister @ my parents' house
I feel: contemplative

Just in case anyone has failed to hear about this: Go watch Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog. Directed by Joss Whedon, starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Fillion. HI-fucking-larious.

Also, today's xkcd deserves an honorable mention.

( comic below cut )

The alt text of the comic reads: If you think this is too hard on literary criticism, read the Wikipedia article on deconstruction.

Here is the Wikipedia entry on deconstruction.

Holy crap. Is that entry a self referential joke, or are they actually serious?

Tags: blogs, comics, links, lotd, xkcd
Current Location: Glen Burnie @ pet's place
I feel: blah

I completely wasted a day trying to get my Linux box to work. I did successfully upgrade to Hardy Heron, which seems, at first glance, pretty cool.

The problem is that all the rest of my peripherals are packed up in my parent's storage unit, including the USB wireless card that tobyhayes traded me for a few years ago that wors just great with Linux. Yay separation and divorce. I think that's really the part that upset me the most. After trying and failing to get the wireless working, then going to walmart to buy a new USB wireless stick only to have that fail too, I ended up sitting on the floor crying. It wasn't because it matters that much. I was trying to get it working so that Rose can play around on Starfall, which is a website that helps children with elementary readings skills and is really cool. Rose loves it and it's about time to start really focusing on that kind of thing with her. She can't really use a trackpad, but she's getting the hang of using a mouse. I don't use my linux box for anything since I got my Macbook Pro, so I figured I'd set it up as a kiddie gaming machine and let Rose do her worst.

Of course, after I got back from Walmart with the new wireless device, I realized that my speakers were also in storage. (Audio is an important component of most kid learning stuff)

I got really depressed. Speaking of which, I need to take my meds. Dammit.

Anyway, I just kept thinking that if I weren't separated and getting a divorce then I wouldn't be struggling with a million little inconveniences like this. I got all down with the self-pity about how I really am getting the shaft here. And I am. And I'm lucky. I have a nice place to live and my parents are helping me with a lot of the basic necessities of living. If they weren't I'd be in transitional housing or a shelter right now. I got the phone call last week that they'd moved my name to the top of the list and I could come in for an interview. I politely declined so they could give the spot to someone who actually needed it, since I do have a place to live.

I finally got copies of the kids birth certificates, so next week I am going in to fill out paperwork for government assistance. WIC, TCA, Section 8 housing, whatever I can qualify for. I'd really just like to get some food stamps. It will help a lot. If I get any cash assistance I'll be pretty happy about it.

This is upsetting all on it's own, but it's also upsetting because I am having to do all of this little distracting "get my life together" shit. It takes up a lot of my time and attention and focus.

Oh, I'm going to the shrink tomorrow and hopefully she'll give me some ADHD meds. I've decided not to look at it as medical intervention for a problem I failed to fix myself with the power of my will, and instead look at it is human enhancement ala transhumanist ideals. Now it almost seems cool. As Connie, a woman who attended the baby shower said, "[ADHD drugs] are legal amphetamines, what's not cool about that?"

I got no work done today again. I'm a total mess and can't focus on anything, especially not code. These past two weeks I just fail. I need to get it together, but I just can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I HAVE a good job right now, and it isn't permanent but I could be putting in 20 hours a week and making decent money. The most I've managed to clock is 10 a week. This pay period I've clocked ZERO hours. I hope they don't fire me and find a more reliable contractor. I mean, I am reliable, just not when life is kicking the crap out of me :(

Tags: computers, divorce, geek, gregg, linux, mental health, pbs, work
Current Location: Westminister @ my parents' house
I feel: depressed

Warning: Avoid at all costs freecreditreport.com

Post separation, I went to get my free annual credit report to make sure nothing Gregg did had an effect on my credit. The correct place to get this is annualcreditreport.com. I just googled "free credit report" and got freecreditreport.com, which did, successfully, get me a copy of my credit report.

However, at this site there is some small print that says you get a 7 day free membership and then will be charged for credit monitoring. Theoretically, my bad for not reading every bit of text on the website and simply clicking the big shiny button that said "Get your free credit report here."

But seriously, what bullshit.

Anyway, successfully disputed all charges with my Credit Union (I <3 USAA!) and canceled my enrollment in the credit reporting program. . .at least I think I did. The internet abounds with complaints from people who canceled but are still being charged by Experian or CIC. In any case, even if they do charge me again, my Credit Union is on the alert and will immediately dismiss any charges I dispute from one of these credit reporting agencies.

Means I have to pay attention to my CC statements for the next few months, but at least I'm not bleeding pointless money every month. I CANNOT afford that!

Tags: finances
Current Location: Westminister @ my parents' house
I feel: aggravated

Today on the way to drop off the kids, a rabbit ran in front of my car. It was far enough out of the way that I watched him run across the whole street and get safely to the other side before I passed.

"Oh," I thought, "rabbits are lucky! That is a good omen!"

Twenty feet later, I passed another rabbit, this one dead in the road.

Point taken Universe, point taken.

Tags: synchronicity
Current Location: Westminister @ my parents' house
I feel: contemplative

Dear LARPA social crowd and associated friends and lovers thereof,

I don't know what I did to you people to be worthy of such condescension, disrespect, and bad treatment. Maybe it isn't just me, and this constant snarky shit behind each others' backs is just a fact of life for all of you. If that is the case I have nothing but pity for you.

For the record, the following things will justifiably upset just about anyone:

- Telling someone six months pregnant that their friends don't think they will be a good parent.

- Telling someone having a difficult pregnancy that she deserves all of her problems because she didn't choose to abort her baby.

- Attacking someone for asking you why you failed to meet a commitment that you yourself made.

- Taking out your personal problems on whoever happens to be being inconvenient at the time, and then writing that person off for not being understanding when they had no idea what was going on.

- Telling people that a woman rejected you when you propositioned her because she found out you were infertile and she obviously just wanted someone to get her pregnant. It couldn't possibly be because you are a narcissistic opportunist who uses people and disposes of them when they are inconvenient to you, and then makes up ridiculous justifications to place the blame on them and spread malicious rumors to that effect. I was on birth control at the time, you prick, and my subsequent lovers were all asked to wear condoms. I hope no one believed your bullshit. That would be almost as bad as you spreading it in the first place.

- Being sanctimonious to the victim of any of the above, telling them that they should be more understanding/zen or take things less personally.

- Bitching about someone who has done nothing to you behind their back because they happen to be going through a hard time and are easy to judge.

- Being mean, snappish, or condescending to someone who is volunteering their time for you.

- Telling someone who gets upset about any of the above that they are clearly too thin skinned and can't handle "the hard truth" or "the pressure" or "tough love."


As far as I know, the only thing I have ever done to any of you is getting upset about the above, or similar instances whereby someone did something upsetting and I reacted to it by *shocker* GETTING UPSET.

If you feel like I have wronged you in some other way, please let me know and I will do what I can to reconcile and/or make reparations. If I have said something unintentionally hurtful, tell me and I will apologize. I have many flaws, but hurting people intentionally is not one of them. I am only this upset because I care about all of you. I think you are wonderful people. It hurts to find out so many of you do not care for me or respect me as a person. It hurts to be so carelessly disposed of. I honestly have no idea what I did to deserve the kind of treatment I've gotten at the hands of so many people in this community. I keep getting hurt over and over and forgiving and trying to understand. I've tried making gestures of renewal by participating in community events and volunteering my time, but it only results in more of the same.

This isn't about information security; as I said, I have no delusions on that account. This is about my feelings, and being hurt by sharing them with false friends. I know some of you have no idea what I am talking about, but if that is the case then your SO or best friend probably does and if asked will vent to you about how messed up/wrong/insecure/over-reacting I am. In the past I have assumed that if someone hasn't expressed a problem with me or done something hurtful then they and I are okay and still on good terms. I've been very wrong about that numerous times. I'm not really sure why, but I've stopped trying to figure it out.

I miss most of you, even and sometimes especially the ones who are the most angry and hurtful. I still love, mostly because I am an idiot. I haven't seen a lot of you in a long time, since I more or less stopped getting invited around after I decided to keep my first child against the advice of some of the primary social organizers of the community and got my panties in a twist when others were less than supportive of that choice.

I hope those of you who still care about me and have no idea what is going on will get in touch with me and say so. This isn't a cry for attention, I'm just burning a lot of bridges here and it makes me sad to do so. If, by some miracle, I can save a few, I really want to. I think some people might still care about me. I don't really know, at this point, who falls into that category anymore. I keep getting burned, and it is always by someone I thought liked me and was my friend, and with one exception it has always been by a member of this particular community.

I'm trying to develop a new habit of expecting people to treat me with decency and respect. I am trying to stop making excuses for people who hurt my feelings. I am trying to realize that even if people have their own issues it doesn't make it right for them to take them out on me, and I deserve better.

I know a few of you have your hands tied because you are married to or dating one of the people who have problems with me. I don't hold it against you; right or wrong, your loyalties belong with the people you love and that I do understand.

I know the geek/kink/LARP social circles overlap. I have no intention of avoiding anyone, or treating anyone with less than kindness and respect. I'm just not going to assume you are my friends anymore unless you explicitly tell me that you are. I am not going to assume I can trust you to treat me with decency and respect unless you explicitly tell me that you will.

Goodbye,
Jamie Lynn
AKA greymaiden

PS: This does not apply to everyone, only the people to whom it was addressed.

PPS: I am not trashing anybody on LJ* or making these things a "LJ issue." I did not name any names. If you know about any of the behavior discussed above, then you already knew anyway. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then it doesn't matter anyway. Comments are off because the only people I want to hear from on this issue are the people who wish to contact me to renew trust and respect.

*Okay, I AM trashing one person here and everybody probably knows who it is, but he fucking deserves it ten times over, on my behalf and the behalf of everybody else that HE has trashed, lied about, or manipulated.

Tags: friends
Current Location: Westminister @ my parents' house
I feel: depressed

I've long been wondering what to do with the default sleeve/case that came with my iPod. It's a very sleek little sleeve and I felt like I should use it for something rather than throwing it away.

The other day I was bored and screwing around with some of the tools i keep in my backback and I struck upon something brilliant.

( Click here to see what I did with my ipod case )

This nice little scroll in conjunction with my pliers tool is pretty much all I need for any suprise entrance. (I'm still working on those exterior door locks. . .I'm not very good at this yet). And yes, all my practice is done with permission.

Of course, you could just buy this. (http://www.devonlocks.com)

This is my next project.

Tags: hacking, lockpicking, projects
Current Location: home
I feel: naughty